


Shaney Fanfic: Episode 1 (Season Finale)

by Anonymous



Category: Bee Movie (2007), Doom (Video Games), HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life: But The AI is Self Aware, Half-Life, Homestuck, Nintendo, Stardew Valley (Video Game), Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Chaos, Crack Fic, DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY DISTURBED BY EGGS AND ALSO BLENDERS, I am so damn sorry, Joke Fic, M/M, Multi, My discord server wrote this line by line NO I DOD NOT WRITE THIS BY MYSELF, Please dont cancell this, THIS IS A MASSIVE JOKE---DO NOT TAKE SERIOUSLY, There is some grossness at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:40:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28634130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: There are some days when I wake up and think "Oh! This is lovely! Life is good and humankind is good."There are other days when I wake up and think "Oh! This is horrible! Life is miserable and humankind is deplorable!"Today is one of those Other Days. "Why?" You may ask. Well here's why: This story.This story was written by many different people, line by line, in a discord server. Nothing was pre planned. Nothing was thoroughly discussed, so here we are.I (the publisher) can only take an iota of credit for the content of this work. I (the publisher) only wrote a handful of the awful lines you are to read (should you chose to do so). That being said: proceed with the utmost caution. Read at your own discretion. If you are offended, simply click away!And remember: Only God can save us now.Happy Reading!!! :)
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman, Barney Calhoun/Shane Stardew Valley, Doomguy/Gordon Freeman, Mario/Sans
Comments: 14
Kudos: 12
Collections: anonymous





	Shaney Fanfic: Episode 1 (Season Finale)

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any inquiries, simply ask! I may not answer everything though as some knowledge is best left unknown.

Once upon a time Shane was finishing up his work at Joja Mart  
‘this fuking BLOWS’ He thought to himself ‘i wish i had PIZZA!!! and BOYS!!’he thinks LOUDLY.  
He hopes mr joja mart cant hear his loud gay thoughts. He was quite annoyed at the absence of pizza and boys. Suddenly, A fat old man fell from the sky infront on him, pizza in hand.  
"what the fuck" said Shane. Its santa claus! “Hohoho!” Said Santa Claus merrily. “Shane, you’ve been a good boy this year! What why I’m giving you a special gift this Christmas!”  
“I want pizza!” He says. “Give me it.”  
“Hohoho!”, *he got up and coughed, swearing under his breath,* “Here you fuckin’ go champ!” *he slapped the pizza on his face.  
Shane is a little sad about it.  
“Gee Santa, this pizza is great” he said, shoving the entire pizza into his mouth at once. “But there’s something ELSE I want!!! Love."  
“damn, that’s a little bit deeper then i wanna go” shane falls to his knees and cries So hard.  
“Fine fine, have this dilf ig 🙄🙄”, he drops a THIQUE short man with old people hair and alcoholic tendencies and runs away. Shane looks up with his tearful eyes, and makes eye contact with one of the most handsome men he has EVER seen. The man looks over Shane absolutely baffled at how he ended up here. “  
Uh hi. The name’s Barney Calhoun. I work at Black Mesa? How did I- Where am I?”  
“Omg it’s Barney Calhoun from the hit video game half life!!!”  
“omg!! shane from the hit video game stardew valley?”  
"Hey bitch, do you have a dollar?"  
“No...but how about I grab you a beer?” Shane has never felt a deeper connection with someone before.  
“oh shit! that’s my fav soda!”  
“Oh...well great!!! That makes it even better for the two of us, then! Heh heh!”  
Even though Barney has no fucking clue where he is he laughs about it anyways. ‘fuck I hope I can get home to gordon’ he thinks ‘I left his picture to me on read he’s gonna think I’m ignoring him’  
(Gordon, at home,) ‘Why the fuck aint he answering I sent my moobies’  
“So... are we going right now? I’m kind of working at the moment.” Shane asks.  
“How bad do you need this job?” Barney asks “Mmm. ´Smoney. So…”  
“ok go do your job ig 🙄🙄 chicken boy need money.”  
Then they could hear a faint buzzing. it grew louder and louder. then there were bees. so many bees.  
"this is shit," barney said.  
"SHIT IM ALLERGIC TO BEES!! ALSO WOMEN BUT BEES!!" Shane screamed, as he started shaking being Barney to protect him  
"OH MY GOD THE BEES ARE WOMEN BEES" Barney screamed “FUCKING BEES”  
Shane is terrified. He starts running “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” barney picks up shane and burrows into the earth  
"aheem heem" whimpered Shane. a man stepped into shanes view.  
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" It was........... Dumbledore! “DUMBLEDORE???? THE *WIZARDS???*” shaned SCREMS!!  
"yes it is me, DUMBLE DOOR, THE ONE FROM THE HARRY BOY BOOKS"  
"boy howdy, well could ya help some good ol country boys out??" Barney says southernly “sure bitch what you want from mcdonalds?”  
dumbled dours sassily becomes a catboy!  
“nya”  
"I'd like 2 number 9's, 1 number 69, 1 big mac with EXTRA cheese, and a mcflurry" Barney states in a dilf-like tone  
“kawaii. i’ll be back.”dubmle door nyooms off using his DUMMY THIQUE CATBOY ASS as a car.  
"o shit wait what about the bees" barn man quakes in his boots at the mention of the bees ”i’m burrowing bae follow me” he digs with his HUGE MAN HANDS !!!!!  
“Buzz buzz bitch” the beez yell as they yeet themselves at him. Shane fucking SCREAMS BAE-KNEE sack OF RICES himself!!!! FUR SHONE!!!!!!!!!!  
“YEE HAW BOI NOOOOOO” sheen yells as Barney falls to the ground.  
“Ah heem heem” barney whimpers. barney falls face down on the ground and quietly repeats “ah heem heem whimper” to himself. Shane droppes next to him, tears and snot dribbling down his face.  
“There’s nothing that can save you now!" the beez shout. Little did they know there was still one thing that could save the two sad bois. suddenly, a pipe grew out from the ground behind shane and barney. a man jumped out, yelling,  
"ITS A ME, MARIO!" mario looked over to the bees horrified. "MAMA MIA! MY WORST ENEMIES!"  
"If only my dear boyfriend, Gordon Freeman, was here..." Barney says to himself. He misses his dear boyfriend, Gordon Freeman a lot. “he sent me his dilf boobies....”, bae knee sobs, “I never replied” he thinks sadly as he cries along sheen. “Mama Mia you crusty bitch, you better reply” mario said, his moustache wiggled.  
“can’t ditch no dilf”  
"GUYS!! THE BEES!! THEY'RE GONNA KILL US ALL" Shane panics. The boo-bees look down at the group  
“how could u leave dilf tiddy on read????”  
‘I am going to drink myself into Oblivion now because I am confused and also bees’ Shanethinks to himself and proceeded to drink 8274783 bottles of beer in -34 second.  
Barney says "wow. That's HOT. I miss Gordon." Shane wakes up and stares blearily at Barnabus. "Hey you. You're finally awake." Barney dinosaur says. Shaned SCREAMS. 

Drip among us sephiroth watches as Barney and Shane and Mario and the bees do their thing. "Yesss. Everything is going EXACTLY as I planned. soon the Teletubbies shall arrive"  
“Oi who tf is that?” Barabis asks while pointing at Drip Among us Sephora.  
“God” replies barney the dinosaur. Shane starts freaking out as more people arrive bc  
“wtf is going on at this point “ he sobs.  
"There, there, Shane.." Barney pats Shane on the back. Castiel from supernatural appears  
“Hey fuckers what’s up. Hey Barney I found your weed supplier through your twitter account, thanks man.”  
"FUCK! No one was supposed to know about all of my weed Twitter accounts!" Barney is disappointed at his lack of foresight “But that’s ok! I have 17 alternative accounts!!!!!” He laughed.  
“how do you even have that many emails to make that many accounts?” Castiel questioned “Fuck you” he responded  
“:(“  
sans undertale steps out from the door as the Seinfeld theme blares in the background.  
“hello barney calhoun from critically acclaimed video game half life”  
“omg it’s my idol and celebrity crush Sans Undertale!!!” he squealed, in shock.  
“Am I even-a here anymore?” Questioned Mario. The bees shrug at him. sans points to mario meaningfully.  
“mario, my love we can’t defeat among us drip sepheroth without yuo.” he clasps his hands with his own, pleading.  
“you have to help us” Mario wraps his meaty hands around sans’.  
“oki doki, lets-a go!!!!”Mario prepares a gay ass fire ball, kissing sans on his boney smile before, and throws it at among-us-drip-sepheroth™. they then jumped on them and killed its straight ass. “thank you mario for to let’s smash. like the video game” they hold hands and fly into the air with a powerful final move as they kick among us drop sepherof into oblivion. the evil is finally defeated "I love ya, cinna-bun." Barney says the Shane, beer in his hand.  
"I love you too, you old man." Shane says, beer also in hand. Barney and Shane kiss, fireworks blaring in the background from the defeat of among-us-drip-speharoth™. The bees clap with the defeat of among us drip sepherhothh the double wedding plans begin. the venue is right there. beautiful tables full of appetizers line a collection of chairs headed by an arch adorned with white and blue and red roses(american). At the end of the wedding, barney and sans are now pregnant with their lovers children. a loving end to a loving story.  
“barney.......... i want *you* to name my unborb child” sans confesses, tearfully. “i knwo we just met but youve always bean there for me. and i want you there on the happiest day of my life”. Meanwhile, Gordon lays in his bed, crying over his moobies being left on read.  
"You should name it....Harambe. I'm sure they'll have a wonderful life."  
“Oh fuck” thought the citizens of 2021. sans undertale nods, wiping his tears of joy.  
“such a beautiful name barnbey..... thank you." Shane walks over and pecks Barney on the cheek and asks “what should our babby be named?”  
"Schmagoo"  
"No no no...Hmmm... I think it should be.." Shane looks down at his lovers soon to be bulging stomach, and rubs it lovingly. "Benrey." Barney gasps and smiles.  
“I love it”  
“I’m going to fucking kill you” IT WAS AMONG-US-DRIP-SEPHEROTH™️ !!!!!!!! THEY WERE BACK FROM THE DEAD!!! will true love destroy this relived evil? see next time on, SHANE AND BANREY MPREG ADVENTURES! 

——————-  
It has been 9 eventful months sine Shane and Barney met. Among-Us-Drip-Sephiroth has been defeated once more, Gordon Freeman's moobies have been ignored, Sans and Mario had a crazy honeymoon, and Barney and Shane are celebrating the birth of their newborn son, Benrey Shane-Calhoun. The day was nice and had good weather until the clouds came around.  
“What’s wrong with the sky?” someone asks, immediately regretting it as the rain began to fall. This was not normal rain, but instead it was candy gumballs.  
"This reminds me of one of my favorite films, Cloudy with a chance of Gumball." Shane tells Barney, who is nursing Benrey.  
“B....b...b”’baby benrey gurgles barney gasps, looking down at his sweet baby boy.  
“shane honey, i think he’s trying to say his first word!!” A gumball suddenly struck baby benrey in the head, putting the baby into a coma instantly. “damn... gotta fix that hole in the roof.”  
barney presses his forehead against benrey’s, closing his eyes and praying for a swift recovery from gumball blunt force trauma Shane proceeded to open a can of beer. Shane drinks the beer in one big cartoony gulp. he passes out on the floor😔 Shane finally dies of liver failure Benrey comes back just to laugh at his drunk dad and immediately passes out again. Upon hearing his (possibly not so) loving father die, benrey woke up from his coma and screamed his first words: "YO MAMA SO FAT SHE DIED" and revived shane.  
"its a miracle" barney yells.  
"Yes, it truly is." Among Us Drip Sephiroth said, standing in the doorway. He survived! He aimed his sword, piercing Barney through the chest. Shane screamed "MAMAMAYBACK MUSIC!!!!" As he saw his lover get stabbed ruthlessly by the disgusting person who has plagued their life. "YOURE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT TO AERITH NOT BARNEY!!!"  
"too bad" Among Us Drip Sephiroth said. "Actually I don't wanna be mean anymore." Among Us Drip Sephiroth says and revives Barney  
"Sike!" Among Us Drip Sephiroth stabbed Barney again. Among Us Drip Sephiroth disintegrates. “Not for-a long-a you fucker” Mario crashes through the roof, making a new hole, and fucking obliterates that twink Barney looks around and twerks from happiness of being revived. Except now the bees are back. The BEES HAVE TAKEN THE WHITE HOUSE. sans rushes in after his lover mario, making another hole in the roof, pummeling sephernoth into a puddle of nickelodeon Gak on the floor with his powerful fists. 

Benrey proceeded to eat the Gak. Benrey has become the Gak God and his gay home of sexual daddy's could not be more proud.  
"LOOK AT MY SON!!" Shouted Barney who then sang that song from Hamilton where Hamilton is really proud of his son or something  
Gordon decided then.... he was going to have his revenge Gordon prepared himself. He grabbed his minion fart gun and put oh his suit.  
"ohhhhhhhhhh fuck!!! Watchout!! I'm about to fire my poo poo blaster!!!"  
Gordon kicked down the door, moobies flopping and fart gun cocked.  
“MY GOD!!!! THE MOOBIES!!!!” doomguy busts through the wall.  
"doomguy... You can talk???" Gordon asked. "Why do you sound like a squirrel on helium being kicked in the nuts?"  
“Well,” Doomguy started. “It all started when I was born. You see, I was a squirrel, but through an unfortunate accident, I now only breathe in helium, and was also kicked in the nuts. It’s very sad, but there’s no time for that now.”  
"please marry me doomguy" Gordon says. "I need to make Barney jealous so he'll respond to that moob pic I sent him 20 years ago. also do you have any bees?" Gordon is very smart and good with coming up wit plans. This is why he has a PhD. The people who gave Gordon his PhD from MIT drop dead in an unrelated incident. the news will be going wild about that. But the people who gave Gordon his PhD will not be going wild because they are dead. the bees were responsible.  
“Of course I will marry you “ doom guy said for secretly he was in love with Gor don freemsn then they KISS PASSIONATELY. Gordon was so conflicted! On one hand, he loved Barney. But on the other, Doomguy was hot!!!! And gave him bees!!!!!!  
“Babe wats wrong?” Doom guy asked.  
“babe i love you AND my THICC DILF BARNEY what should i DO???” he CRIES PASSIONATELY. “  
well you do have two hands dont you?”  
”omg.... i do....” his eyes SPARKLE!!!!! “let’s kiss more” And they do HERY PASSIONATELY Barney saw them he got sad jealous and mad  
"Noo0oo0oooo000 Gordon" he barney has said 😔 😔  
"what am I gonna do nowwww" banrye cried. He loves Shane but he also misses dilf gorbos and wants to marry grobos but Doom guy is in the way be he loves Shane and gorbos and Doom guy. All very hot men. “God I love all these hotted sweated men”, Barney sobbed Then banrye had an idea "I will marry ALL of the" 🙂 all the men. Barney grabbed Shane’s hand and walked over to doom guy and gordo who were still making out and asked “yo will y’all marry me?”  
“omg yess” gordon STOPS making out with doom guy PASSIONATELY!!! Then kisses both SHINS and BAE KNEES!!!!!!!! Barney cried from joy he was so happy that he could marry ALL of THEm.  
😔 "That's it," Gman said, walking into frame, "I'm ending this disaster."  
"NOOOOO09O09OO " gordon said. “You better not,” said Among Us drip Sephiroth returning from the grave once more to obliterate Gman. an epic battle ensues Doom guy fortnite dances on gmans grave. Among us drip sephiroth is too powerfull. Too powerfull for any livein being. 😔 😔 😔  
Preganabt sans comes to officiate the wedding and Benrey is the flower child and they all got married Now they all live in a house made of CHEESE!!! So that any future gumball storms just bounce off the house and don't put anyone into a coma!!! THEN THEY HAVE HOT GAY SEX!!!!!!!!!! And they lived gayly ever after the end ❤️ 

—————-  
(they also had 27738293884 kids) NAGITO KOMAEDA DOES A FORTNITE DANCE ON A TABLE (HES THEIR FIRST KID) Benrey is old as shit and has 4 kids of his own now.  
"Barney, and Gordon, and Doom guy my loves?? Do you wants a pizzer?" Shane asks Shane made them each their own pizzs. They sit at the dinner table and eat pizza happily.  
”omg thanks bae” gordon kirbys a pizza Doomguy screams and has a ptsd flasback "arughhh eughhhh arhhdhh wuhhhh" says doonguy.  
"DONG GUY!!" Barney screms ”what’s wrong shmoopsy poo?” bae knee cries.[R E D A C T E D] gets dragged into this. Doomguy is still on the floor screaming and sees clocks.  
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? WHY ID THETE A WOMAN IN MY FLASHBACK" the gay family turn around to see thier powerless god[R E D A C T E D]. Gordon SCREECHES “IS THAT A FUCKING WHITE PERSON”.  
Barney and Shane and Gordon are confused. Shane drink a whole liquor store to copez Shane does the nae nae. Barney put 5000 baby eggs into Shane. revenge  
"NAE NAE BEOFRE YOU GET A WHOOPIN" Narney say .Everyone is so proud of shane doing nae nae. Everyone *👏 * .Shane then poops all the eggs out and shoot them all at [R E D A C T E D] , like spitting out watermelon speeds, and kill the poor girl. [R E D A C T E D] drops dead and the children inhale her like they did the pizzaz barry bee benson buzz's into existence, sobbing.  
'' the,. thejm tree.s they're all daed.. '' he appears to be sleep flying. somehow barry bee benson is also their kid. Jerrfy sinefeld is their kid too. Shane claps his juicy ass and shoots another egg at barry bee benson and it bursts his head, killing him instantly. “  
YOY KIILLED OUR SON!” Barney screams “NOT OUR 2737473RD KID !!!”  
DOOMED MAN SCRESM.  
"whoops"  
dong guy have ANOTHRR flasback. He scream “AHHH I HAVE PTSDDDD” he cream. Gman spawns into existence.Shane cries “I have fear,” someone says  
“WHY ARE YOU CUMMING ON THE GROUND”.  
GUNDHAM TANKA SCREAMS. THEIR 535th KID. G man cries he dosent want to exist after what he saw.  
“The fuck is happening at this Chucky cheese” says about 5 ppl.  
Benrey bites gmans leg.  
Doom guy dies.  
“WHAT THE FUCK”  
kurt frank (their 4th kid) turns tiny and runs away. “NOOOOOOOOOO” GORDON YELLS.  
"ouch" says G man.  
NAGITO KOMAEDA SOBS “IM NOT LUCKY ANYMORE” (ther 400th kid). Gordon fucking loses it and turns into?  
joshua is eating frozen grapes in the bg,. out of his comically large cowboy hat.  
Gordon’s gone feral!! Sheen screams.  
GRILLBY TROM UNDERED TAKES RUNS OUT WITH HIS MANAGER WILLIAMS AFTON AND SHOOS THE CALHOUN-GUY-___-FREEMAN FAMILT  
"Peace out gamers ima head out" says G man and dissapires to the void. AND SUDDENLY, Jerma985 appears and asks G-Man what's happening.  
Shane and Barney fuse, and turn into a 50 foot monster, and highhandedly destroy the white race.  
JERMA FUCKING DIES  
“Goodbye white peoples”  
The bees.  
the shane and barney clusterfuck says "bye crackers!! 😘 !!!!!" befoee unfusing  
*bee noises*  
Finnaly theres peace in the w o r l d.  
But theres bees.  
SANS UNDERTALE DESTROYS BEES.  
Everyone cheers!!!  
And his lover mario helps him.  
sonic and nagito make out.  
Benrey is still gak god and blesses everyone with Gak.  
william afton screams and dies because TED NIVISON!!! BROUGH CRAM!!! AND THE *IMPOSTER* is SUS!!!  
barney and shane make out.  
Again.  
[R E D A C T E D] is consumed  
nagito komaeda blends joshua freeman in the blender`™`  
[R E D A C T E D] gets kissed on the cheek before naenaeing on shane's alcohol ridden corpse.  
benrey drinks joshua.  
joshua cries as he's beign blended, '' SPARE THE GRAPESSS ''.  
Gman comes and drags away the bodies before the cops show up again.  
"Meal" benray says.  
They all pull out their comically large straws to drink from.  
The grapes are spared.  
MmMMmmmM they all enjoy blood juce™️.  
benrey becomes fucked up and evil.  
THE SUDDENLYY, KING BACH SPWANS AND PUTS EVERYONE IN A COMICALLY LARGE SPOON AND PUTS THEM INTO AN ICECREAM TUB.  
everyone is vored the end.

PSRT TWO  
THE ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2009, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name! 

What will the name of this young man be?

Banrey Calhoun.

John.

Steven.

TRY AGAIN SMARTASS.

John Egbert.

Gary man.

Your name is JOHN. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes. 

What will you do?

Fnaf at freddys.

Your ARMS are in your MAGIC CHEST, pooplord!

Out of sympathy for John's perceived lack of arms, you pick up the CAKE for him and put it on his BED.

You retrieve your FAKE ARMS from the chest. You use these for HILARIOUS ANTICS. 

You CAPTCHALOGUE them in your SYLLADEX. You have no idea what that actually means though. 

There are other items in the chest.

OI THISUCKER GOT ARMS??

In here you keep an array of humorous and mystical ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a SKILLED MAGICIAN or a CUNNING PRANKSTER. 

You are neither of these things. 

Among the ARTIFACTS are: TWO (2) FAKE ARMS [CURRENTLY CAPTCHALOGUED IN YOUR SYLLADEX], ONE (1) PAIR OF TRICK HANDCUFFS, ONE (1) STUNT SWORD, ONE (1) MAGICIAN'S HAT, ONE (1) PAIR OF BEAGLE PUSS GLASSES, SEVERAL (~) SMOKE PELLETS, SEVERAL (~) BLOOD CAPSULES, and ONE (1) COPY OF COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY, and ONE (1) COPY OF HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY. 

Some of this stuff may come in handy at some point. For now, you decide to just take the SMOKE PELLETS.

Help me bitches!!

"I want friends!1!1!!!!!1" says John

then the world ends lol


End file.
